It's all about the Process

"In the process, in the waiting, you're making melodies over me.

And your presence is the promise, for I am a pilgrim on a journey....

Good shepherd of my soul, take my hand and lead me on."

(Shepherd, Amanda Cook)

       


 It is now almost five weeks since I returned home from South Africa. 

It's crazy how some things take a while to hit you. Going home was going to be difficult for all of us in different ways, but for the most part it would be difficult because we didn't know what was coming next for us, what the next step in life was. The Lord taught me so much in South Africa in regards to waiting on Him, resting in Him and being at peace about my future, and not knowing the next major step right away. I knew a few basic things, like returning to school to finish my bachelor's degree, but over all I had no idea what this next year looked like for me. I felt like I did really well adjusting the first three or so weeks of being home. I wasn't in a hurry for anything to happen like getting a job or a ministry opportunity; I was just resting and enjoying being in the moment, spending time with family. 
        
       But the past couple weeks it definitely started getting a lot harder to be in the moment and wait for the Lord to guide me to the next step. I sometimes get in a hurry and forget that  with the Lord, things happen through process. You must take the first step before He can show you the next. I don't know if it was just that the effects of being back in America long enough were finally hitting me, but it felt like the new peace and confidence, and everything I learned back in South Africa, was starting to wear off. Which caused me to panic and be frustrated with my life, myself, and pretty much everyone and everything around me. When your inner world isn't right, your outer world isn't right either. Especially during the Christmas season when everything is supposed to be about joy and peace but it's often really just a big chaotic hustle and bustle. I was losing my focus, forgetting that life is about people and relationships. Not projects and accomplishments. I often scurry straight to the urgent and skip right over the important. 

    So I usually freak out at myself a little when I feel myself slipping and losing focus, as if because I'm a Christian, I shouldn't be messing up. I should know exactly where I'm going and keep my focus straight the whole time. Because that's what good Christians are supposed to do. (You can laugh. ;)) Sometimes I try waaaaaay too hard to have it all together. The Lord knows that I often need a news flash that I'm still human, and He knows it! And He's okay with it. He knows I'm going to lose my focus, stumble, and forget what's really important sometimes. If I didn't stumble, I wouldn't need to lean into His arms every day. That's grace. He knows we're going to fail Him in some way, every single day. Yet He continually proves His faithfulness by walking us through the process. Three steps forward, two steps back. One step forward. One step back. Two steps forward. He knows better than we do that our journey is not going to be a perfect straight line leading to our destiny. It's a bumpy, narrow, sometimes rocky road. But He is walking with us every step of the way. When you are walking hand in hand with Jesus, He will not let you walk out of His will.  

I am often comforted by remembering that He has not left me to just figure out this life on my own. He's not up there waiting for me at the finish line saying, "Well, I hope you can figure out the way and make it up here!" No. Father God is waiting with outstretched arms at the finished line, with confidence that His Son will indeed lead us home in His perfect way. And Jesus, precious, faithful Jesus, is holding onto us, each step of the way. Whether the path is rocky, foggy, uphill, or downhill. He is committed to us, and He is committed to the process of helping us reach our destination. Our ultimate destination is Christ anyway, not achieving something in this life. Lately God has been bringing this verse to mind so much, and it is becoming one of my favorite verses in this season.

Philippians 1:6 

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6 [The Message]

There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.

Praise God, He WILL complete the good work He started in us! He's not going to leave us hanging! We only see this one moment in time, but He sees the whole process, the beginning all the way to the end. He sees the beautiful finished masterpiece that you're going to be, and that you already are in His eyes. 

Sometimes I feel awkward and un-Christian as I flounder around trying to find the right path. But Jesus IS the right path. He keeps reminding me that as long as I've got Him and I'm seeking relationship with Him above all else, everything really will fall into place, whether it's job, school, ministry, finances, or relationships. It all lines up when we're living in the center of His will. I've seen it happen for me in the past, and He will do it again! He IS doing it again, even when we can't see!

Matthew 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6:33 [The Message]

Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

So earlier this week and today I had been really unfocused, frantically  trying to make my life seem productive. I was moving fast and trying to do everything but not accomplishing much. I honestly and seriously did not feel like being still, getting in the Word and listening to His voice. I just wanted to DO something, to GO somewhere! But I've learned from past experience that this will only leave me more frustrated. So finally I made myself sit down for a few minutes, put a worship song on and just sat in His presence. He immediately put John 15:16 in my mind. I turned to it, and tears came as soon as I saw what it was. 

John 15:16

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you

He is so merciful, and kind! He knew exactly what I needed in that moment. 

He was saying, 

"I chose YOU my child, not the other way around. I'm the one who started this thing, and I'm going to be faithful to finish it. I know you really want to bear fruit for my glory, but I AM the One who had the idea to bring you into what I was doing in the first place! I know you're worried about losing what you learned in South Africa. But if I'm the one who did the work in you, don't you think that work will last? I AM the One bringing you through this process. So it's time to let go of your need to feel productive and figure everything out. Your productivity comes from being one with Me. You do your part of resting in relationship with me, and let me do my part of leading you. I promise I will not leave you on your own in this journey; we will cross that finish line together. I will NOT give up on you. Just stay close to me. Lean into my promises. And watch me faithfully lead you in paths of righteousness."

Oh, Jesus. He had done it again. His bold love hit me right where I needed it. 

Thank you, Father. Thank you that you are a God who knows exactly where we are in the process. And you don't get impatient or frustrated with us as we try and fail, and learn. It's not about getting it right all the time. It's about becoming closer with you every step. Thank you that you will be faithful to complete the good work you started in us. So Father, let us be faithful to continue seeking you one day at a time, walking with you in the joyful process of discovering the abundant life you have for us!

Well friends, it's been an intense, wonderful, crazy, emotional, amazing and life-changing three weeks here in Olievenhoutbosch! I feel like I have already learned so much that even if the trip ended now, I I would already be different when I go home. Yet we still have another leg of the adventure to experience as we travel to Capetown tomorrow! But as for Olievenhoutbosch...

Firstly, I will share what our basic day looked like. There's 11 people on my team and we all stayed at different host homes throughout the week. So our host families would drop us off at the church in the mornings and we would all pile into "Billiam" (What we affectionately call Hein's taxi van, which is the Afrikaans version of Balaam. So I can officially say I took a donkey to school every day. :)) and ride together to Olievenhoutbosch Christian school to work for the day!

During the mornings from about 8:15 to 10 we would assist the teachers in our assigned classrooms. I was placed with grade two, a sweet group of kids who I came to love very much. I helped the teacher, Ma'am Gladys make copies, grade assignments and tests, and helped kids one on one with their work. My favorite part was when I got to teach Bible stories a couple times. I love making the stories come alive and being dramatic, so it was quite fun and I'm pretty sure the kids loved it too. :)

I had 12 kids: Precious, Darren, Olwethu, Owethu, Mtkozisi, Brianna, Mpho #1, Mpho #2, Solomon, Brian, Mandisa, Sanele, and Brian.

Me with my class and Ma'am Gladys!

At 10 am we take a half hour break. Recess for the kids, tea and coffee time for the team and staff. :) At 10:30, back to class. At 11 or 11:30 (depending on the day), the team went to devotions with the after care staff, otherwise known as the mentors.

By the way, those mentors. Wow. They are amazing.

They are a huge reason why these last three weeks were so impactful to me. There was such a spirit of love and acceptance among them that I felt like they were family after only the first week.  I felt so at home when we worshiped and talked about the Word together; it was the highlight of my day every day. They work as volunteers, so they don't get paid to do what they do, pouring out their lives every day for these kids who stay for after care. They plan games, Bible stories, worship, and other fun activities for the kids, willing to dance and be silly and crazy with them just to make a difference in their lives. They constantly live as Christ-like examples before these children and this community, and their lives point not only the kids to Jesus, but also me and my team. I cannot express how much they encouraged me not just with their words, but with their lives and testimonies. They will always be close to my heart.

After devotions we had lunch with the kids, which was usually pap (a porridge made from ground maize) and some kind of meat and sauce on top, usually with a vegetable like cooked spinach or mashed sweet potatoes on the side. It was different at first, but I got used to it quickly and learned to really enjoy their food. :)

Chicken liver! Yum! :)

We then commenced after care activities, which were different every day. Some days we had a Bible story or games, but my favorite days were when we had praise and worship and danced with the kids! SO much crazy fun. :) Then we went to our assigned classes and helped with homework until Billiam arrived at 3:30 to take us home and our host families picked us up. Very full days! So much learning, so much fun, and so many challenges. And I am thankful for all of it.

God did some really powerful things in my heart these past few weeks. I learned so much it's hard to process it all. Well, first of all, I learned to dance! And not just any dancing; I learned some South African tribal dances! Dancing in front of people is something I have NEVER been comfortable with. For whatever reason, I always felt judged. But this trip is about getting out of my comfort zone, and I definitely did! (Dancing like a fool to Party in the USA? Yes, definitely out of my comfort zone. :D ) But I think dancing is something God wanted to use in my life to help me discover my freedom. Those children taught me so much, not only about dancing, but about freedom. Children aren't concerned with impressing others; they just dance for the joy of it. If it brings fun and bonding with others, who cares if you look like an idiot? Oh, to be more like a child. :)

Similarly, I learned how to be vulnerable. Specifically, that it's okay to be vulnerable. We all have vulnerabilities, but it's allowing the Lord to use our weaknesses for His glory that makes the difference. And He can't use them very well if we only ever want to hide them. I am learning to trust myself completely to my perfect Father, and not to people's imperfect perceptions of me. Learning that it's okay to let my guard down and just be me, because I'm already accepted in Christ. I'm not perfect, but I am perfectly loved! I am free to rest in His love and expose my weaknesses to Him,  because I'm covered by grace.

Exposing your heart (in the right circumstances) can be painful, but it's so freeing and healing for the soul. It's a good pain, a growing pain. It's allowing God to tear the mask off your heart that you used to make yourself feel comfortable around others and appear well. It's allowing the Healer to rip the bandage off your festering wound so He can breathe life and healing into the pain. Because hiding our wounds never helped anything.

But when we allow the growing pain and self finally gets out of the way, joy and love can flow freely in your relationships. Your focus is on enjoying and blessing others, instead of always trying to hide your flaws and appear good enough. There is so much freedom to just love and be loved, which is what we were created for anyway. Once you get past the pain, you discover the blissful freedom on the other side. Your heart is unburdened. You are free. It's amazing, and so worth it.

Singing "I've got the joy down in my heart" with my precious Joy. <3

Dear dear Brian.  :)

 Over all, I'm learning what exactly this "abundant life" really is that Christ offers us. It's something that can't be taught, it must be experienced through the Holy Spirit.

So, those are my deep thoughts. I hope they can bring you encouragement in some way!

Tomorrow we are off for the next adventure with Jesus! We are leaving for Darling, a small farming community in the Western Cape tomorrow; it will be about a 20 hour bus ride and we will arrive Thursday afternoon! We will be working with youth and children there, and it will be a lot more intense! I'm so excited! Prayers for the journey are appreciated! Thank you SO much to all of you who have so generously supported me through prayers and donations on this journey!

Friends, keep pressing into freedom, resting in Perfect Love, and discovering the fullness of life that Christ died to give us! <3

John 10:10 The Message

"I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of..."

T'was the night before the missions trip...

Well....tomorrow is the day! 

I'm sorry it's been soooo long since my last blog post; the Lord has been dealing with me on that, telling me to make time to sit down and write, but I haven't until now! But hey, better late than never. ;) It's so good to be back!!

Let me just start by saying that Jesus is sooooooo good!! This summer has been a monumental, transforming, and probably one of the most life-defining summers for me. The Lord has taken me on such a beautiful journey through this process of preparation me for my three month missions trip to South Africa. He is showing me that it's not just about this one trip, this is my life. This is who I am. I am a missionary. 
     He is taking me into a completely new season, a season of fruitfulness and life and growth! I feel like I have just come through a long two year period of winter, where everything was vague and I wasn't sure where my life was going and most of the time I didn't feel very close to God at all. But He was right there, holding me in His hand the whole time, saying "It's okay, I know the plans I have for you Alexandria, and your future is bright. Just keep holding on." Father is SO faithful! He is showing me who I really am in Him. He is launching me out and my life is never going to be the same. I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for calling myself a missionary and receiving generous donations from beautiful people at the churches I've visited this summer. Do I deserve this? No. But am I called and chosen? YES! Whether or not I feel qualified or other people think I'm qualified, I AM created in Christ to do good things, which God has prepared in advance for me to do! (Ephesians 2:10) And that, is enough. 

It is enough that I am willing and available to be used by the Lord. That is what He delights in. He has no need of people who think they have it all together, or who try to have it all together on their own. He just longs for people who have a willing heart, who cry out, "Yes, Lord" to everything He has for them in Christ. He loves choosing the people with broken, messy lives, who have struggles and questions, doubts and fears. Because then HIS strength is made perfect in weakness. 

 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

     

     So this summer has been surprisingly quite busy with lots of travelling! Which is awesome, because I LOVE to travel! :) The Lord has given me so many opportunities to speak about my missions trip and my heart for missions at various churches in Evansville and Indianapolis through many different connections with people. I have also been able to share the song I wrote, "Journey to your heart", and I am just overwhelmed and humbled at how many people are saying that the song has blessed them or spoken to them in some way. That song came simply out of my time with Jesus and the piano, a raw expression of what He was doing in my heart at the time. I wrote it when I found out I was going on the trip to South Africa. It was my spirit rising up and saying, "YES Lord, even though I don't know the way or where we're going, I WILL follow you wherever you lead me because I'm in love with you!" If I can live closer to Jesus by sleeping in a hut in Africa ministering to orphans in need and people in poverty than I can by living where I am now, then SO BE IT. Take me there Jesus! Take my comforts and securities, just give me Jesus. Because I want to be close to Him, no matter the cost. Being close to HIS heart is what it's all about. Jesus really is worth it all. 

I have posted a youtube link to my song below, with a brief intro where I share my heart for the song. I hope and pray it blesses and ministers to you!! (I know it's probably not the best audio; this was done at Salvage Yard Christian church in March this past year as part of a fundraiser worship concert for my trip. I am hoping, Lord willing, to start the process of getting the song professionally recorded when I get back. But this is what I have for now. :) )

"Wherever you would lead me is where I want to go, cause in the mountain or the valley, your presence is my home. So I'll follow where you lead me on this journey to your heart, 'cause I just want to be where you are...

Cause I'm in love with you....

With you there are boundaries, you can have all of me,

I'm yours, I belong to you."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR1iLof8R0U&feature=youtu.be 

    

 So through this process over this summer, not only have I been humbled and overwhelmed to see the Lord come through to provide for me in absolutely amazing ways; He has also been digging deep and uprooting some deep fears and insecurities I didn't even know I had, and replacing them with His  perfect peace and confidence. It's an unearthly confidence that I've never known before. Normally, I would be freaking out before a big trip like this, leaving the country. My mind would be racing a million miles an hour late into the night wondering if I am forgetting anything or if I packed everything and what I need to do to be ready to leave tomorrow. But the absolutely crazy thing is, I'm not even a little stressed out. Once I was open and honest with Jesus and myself about my fears and worries, He was able to heal me in those areas and fill me up with His peace more than ever before. It's amazing. If you've never just looked all your fears in the face and laid them before Jesus, it's time to do it. Move on, get past them. Don't let fear hold you back from the life God is calling you to live! I have resolved that I want to follow Jesus no matter the cost and I won't let fear get in the way anymore. He is worth it all! There are no boundaries in this relationship with Jesus. He doesn't put boundaries on our lives (except for normal, healthy biblical boundaries). He died to set us FREE! WE are the ones that put man-made, dream-destroying, destiny-limiting dysfunctional boundaries on our lives. We think they are keeping us safe, but in the end they are really keeping us from experiencing the full lives God wants us to live. The safest place you could ever be is right in the center of God's will. There is SO much joy in finally breaking free to run straight into your destiny in Christ! Jesus came and died for us to give us an abundant life, full of blessing and grace and power and favor and freedom! I want to leave you with two scriptures that have been speaking to me lately...

John 1:16 Because of all that the Son is, we have been given one blessing after another. (CEV)

J0hn 1:16 Because he was full of grace and truth, from him we all received one gift after another. (NCV)

Philippians 3:12-14 The Passion Translation

"I run with passion into His abundance so that I may reach the destiny that Jesus Christ has called me to fulfill and wants me to discover. I don't depend on my own strength to accomplish this; however I do have one compelling focus; I forget all of the past as I fasten my heart to the future instead. I run straight for the divine invitation of reaching the heavenly goal and gaining the victory-prize through the anointing of Jesus."

I could probably write and write forever and ever about the awesomeness of Jesus and what He is doing in my life right now, but then I wouldn't get any sleep! ;) Tomorrow is the big day and I still have some packing to finish...so goodbye for now. I will definitely try to blog as much as I can while I'm in South Africa! I look forward to updating you all on what God is doing in me and my team! Prayers are appreciated!

Trust Jesus. Dream big. Live life to the fullest!

Goodnight. :)